Wall Street Brain

An ex once told me that my brain was like a Wall Street ticker... it ran and changed constantly. After some thought about it (and lots of other things of course), I realized that this is somewhat true. It does run constantly. It seems a bit chaotic. It's always changing gears.

But, there really is a method behind the madness.

This is a pretty good description of what it is like

to live with A.A.D.D. (Adult Attention Deficit Disorder).

My brain in constantly in overdrive. It makes multi-tasking easy, but it makes finishing a task nearly impossible. I've been pretty lucky in that my other abilities (intelligence, creativity, and charm!) have allowed me to cope with this disorder and be a successful and productive person.

But it hasn't been easy.

Sometimes, I appear to be rude. A thought pops in and just comes out...even if somebody else is in the middle of a sentence. A seemingly focused conversation can go from the target to something that appears to be unconnected. Connecting the dots between point A and point Z can be hard to do. Hence, the line "Oh Look! A chicken!"

It also makes my memory simply suck. While I can somewhat easily recall facts about events or some obscure factoid from the long-ago past, I can't tell you what you may have just said to me

. . . especially if you weren't making eye-contact with me at the time you made the statement.

And It's not that I don't want to listen. It's just that if I am trying to focus on something (like a work task, or reading a web page or newspaper), you may as well be talking to a brick wall. I may say something like "uh huh" or "right," but don't ask me to repeat what you said as you can simply forget that.

Pair that with a bit of hearing loss (played the drums for 5 years with no ear protection) and a conversation at a noisy restaurant or within a large group of people makes me feel like I am listening to the radio and the dial is constantly being changed. Bits and pieces come in, but quickly change to something else and then to something else and then to something else. Sometimes that makes me appear withdrawn or quiet in these situations.

I try to cope with this by keeping a notebook with lists of tasks. I wish you could see the stack of notebooks that I have for just last year. This works well for a while; then, of course, I change the notebook...or I can't find the notebook...or I've left the notebook somewhere.

I think the worst part of having A.A.D.D. is that is makes it very hard for me to relax and I often wear out the ones who live with me (that and the fact that I seem to keep losing expensive things .. like cell phones and designer prescription sunglasses.) I want to be neat. I want to be organized. I want to turn off the thoughts of the tasks that need to be done...at home...at work...in my personal life or just for fun. But, I often find I just can't do it. I try to do it. I can do it for short periods of time. Then, all of a sudden everything is back to being chaotic and messy again.

Until I was 40 years old, I rarely slept more than 5 hours a night. It would take me 2 hours to fall asleep and then I could only do it with the TV on. Then, I'd wake up in the middle of the night and start to think about what I should be doing instead of sleeping. I had some very productive years! I was the envy of those who worked with me because I was so productive. I was like the Energizer Bunny! But, I almost crashed and burned.

This lack of sleep over many years caused many physical and mental health issues. I had joint pain, memory loss (to the point of not being able to find my car in a parking lot). It was like I had early dimentia (some still think I do!) So, I finally gave into medicating myself - - at least to sleep.

I've tried the medication that they have for A.A.D.D. Unfortunately, I also have headaches and stomach issues and found them to be intolerable. Gosh, this makes me sound like a mess . . . and sometimes I am.

All in all, however, I am happy with myself and my life. My biggest fear is that those around me, especially my partner, family and friends - all of whom I truly cherish - will not understand that they are really the focus of my life. . . even when it doesn't seem that way!

~ Wally